PANDEMIC PARENTING AND WAYS TO COPE
Overwhelmed with pandemic parenting? You’re not alone.
We are all going through exceptionally challenging time; there are so many uncertainties on each life front. Families are especially hit the hardest as they are confronted by frightening decisions about their children and provided little to no guidance. Between the choices of in person versus remote-only learning and lack of support from or trust for governing bodies who are supposed to support and protect our younglings (i.e. the infamous departments of education), life has gotten harder than ever.
Other challenges include juggling working from home, child care, and safety of forming a pod with relatives, isolation, and day to day full time-with-no-break parenting. Parents of special, unique-learned kiddos have a whole other set of challenges when remote services are not working. There are no perfect decisions because each parenting choice has a list of pluses and a list of cons. As such, each decision evokes feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and failing at parenting. It’s the proverbial “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
Nowadays, the old adage that it takes a village (arguably the whole state, country or even a continent) to raise children and support families rings truer than ever. Unfortunately, during the era of COVID-19, that village becomes increasingly smaller and less accessible. Zoom support feels sorely inadequate and lacking. The parenting pandemic of 2020 stress is enough to impact the mental wellbeing of all families. NYC families (who haven’t had the privilege to flee), are cramped in tiny spaces and feeling the claustrophobia of NYC living.
How does one cope with kids? I have said this to families and parents since March, counseling and consoling their anxieties and empathizing with the stream of frustrated tears: this IS a crisis for our children. Imagine seeing all your friends and being a part of a happy balanced routine, school, sports, gatherings, and OVERNIGHT having all of this, life as you know it, ripped away from you. This kind of loss will evoke feelings of grief. Parents, you ARE grieving and so are your children. Like with all loss and grief, come feelings of trauma, sadness, hopelessness and lots of time to overcome. Some individuals can bounce back faster while others dwindle in and out of the stages of grief. Your feelings are seen—you are validated.
This is a crisis for children BECAUSE this is a crisis for parents. During times of change and difficulty, children mirror their internal feelings based on the reaction of parents. In other words, children DEPEND on parents’ explanations, support, attachment and unspoken emotions (behavior) to cultivate their own response and reaction.
After all, anxiety feeds off of anxiety. Have you ever been on a turbulent plane when it takes one freaking out individual to set an anxious domino effect throughout the rest of the plane; panicking those who may not have otherwise been calm? Imagine, if the freaking out individual is someone we lean on to make sense of life? Our children lean on us to make sense of life.
I started out this post empathizing and validating that what you, parents, are feeling is a response to a situation that you couldn’t have ever imagined and prepared for. I am a parent also and can feel your feelings very personally and intimately. Your reaction isn’t your fault and you are not alone! We have governing systems all around us that are failing families.
I cannot overemphasize, this is a crisis for families and by default trickling down to our kids. All forms of behavior are communication. Your children feel your anxiety. Your children hear you discussing with your partners, friends, family and etc. What is the best thing we can do for our children? Ground ourselves, learning techniques to manage our stress, receiving support for ourselves, self-care practices, and just overall optimizing on our own wellbeing. Well supported and well-functioning families can best support their children. You won’t be able to give and provide if you, yourself, are running on empty. When you are at your optimal, you send the message that everything will be OK.
How to function at your optimal?
Number one: is having a consistent support system around you of other families, teachers, professionals (therapists!), support groups, friends and family & of course nannies! Haveananny has been a priceless resource for myself and many friends who have needed last minute help. If you need help with the kids the house, (Homeschooling!) If you have the ability to pod with trusted friends and family than do so: make sure communication about safety and your expectation is clear, consistent and open. You don't want to be the only mask wearer in the pod or uncomfortable with something that everyone else feels is OK: communicate your expectation and safety comforts. Also, don't be alone.
Number two: Ask for help! Ask for help from teachers, admit to those around you that you are struggling and need help. Ask your family members (if you pod with them) to watch kids for a few hours so you can get alone time. Find zoom support groups and speak your truth on social media outlets but SPEAK! ASK! ADMIT you are struggling because you invite another parent to admit they are also. You are not alone, dear parents!
Number three: Set limits with your children and simplify. Honestly, no one will be harmed from a frozen dinner or take out pizza. If life becomes easier with take out or simple meals, now is the time to do just that. If you need to request someone watch your children, give them an independent activity or even putting on a movie, music or a taking them to a safe place outside, JUST so you can tune out or text a friend or lay down-- you are a priority and importance also. Take care of you and prioritize you. Parenting is never perfect. You do the best you can. The best you can do is also accomplished by taking care of yourself.
Number four: Make time for relationships in your life. Make time for your relationship with your partner: make sure you have "date night" even if that looks like watching a movie or eating dessert or just chatting after kids go to bed. The point is connection not activity or grand gestures.
Likewise, your relationship with your kids will be improved by spending one on one time (put phone away) laughing, being silly, dressing up, dancing to your favorite movie or cooking together. People need connection. Connection with our children will make this feel better.
Number five: Self care! Hydrate, don't forget to eat yourself, get to bed early and nap if you can, fresh air, sunshine, exercise, journal.. it's important that you remember and take care of all your basic needs.
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Check out Liza’s parent workshops here
Liza Mordkovich MSW, MA, ATR, LCAT, LMSW
Pronouns: She/her
Licensed Social Worker, Licensed Art Therapist and Psychotherapist www.lizamordkovich.com https://www.perinatalwellnessnyc.com /www.behavioraltherapynyc.com http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=112303&sid=1327513465.7047_32015&lastname=Mordkovichhttp://www.networktherapy.com/LizaMordkovich/default.asp?src=2http://about.me/liza_mordkovich
“Mindfulness practice means that we commit fully in each moment to be present; inviting ourselves to interface with this moment in full awareness, with the intention to embody as best we can an orientation of calmness, mindfulness, and equanimity right here and right now.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn
